Monday, September 12, 2005
Hi..my name is Faris. I've been blogging alot of stuffs around me but never really about myself and trying to tell ppl more about ME.
Who am i? Besides the obvious that i'm a guy... nobody really know me for who i really really am. Ppl out there who actually read my blog would be wondering why all of a sudden i'm typing such an entry.
Well... i read Rufi's testimonial about herself... and i figured she wrote that down with the fullest detail about herself than anyone else have ever gathered about her. So the phrase; you know the best about yourself, is pretty accurate. Thus upon reading that, i decided to actually write down what i know about myself and what better way of doing this none other than writing it on your own blog. Pretty nifty to have a blog i'd say.
For some, it would be really awkward to write a testimonial about oneself but i don't feel that way cos unlike them... i am writing this to actually understand myself better and so that people would understand me better... i hope. to kick things off... i'd like to say that i'm very misunderstood.
After years of soul searching, i've come to conclude that i've been a different person;far from what i used to be, over the years. and the reason for that is because people can't accept me for who i really really am! Though change is good, but also, its negative effects has also affected me causing my character to deviate from the real me.
Here's how it looks like overall.
As you can see... my confidence level is very very low. Reasons for that are the things around me that affect my self confidence. The highest period of time that i have had such a high level of confidence was during the year 2002 - 2003. Well... Those were the best years of my life where i had EVERYTHING that i wanted and i needed.
That was due to a very special someone. Someone who i love dearly... someone that could take care of me and understand my needs. She really hit the spot all the time whenever i needed it. Still till this very day, i wish to have someone like her around. I still miss her and it is sad that things weren't the way i/we wanted it to be. Still... nevertheless...i thank you for what you have done for me.
i know that you read my blog... so to whoever you are... thank you and yes ... you're still welcomed at the house by the junction of harvey avenue.
My memories with you still remain as crystal clear and vivid as if it was just yesterday. I wish you the best..and i still hope our friendship will remain true and blue as ever. =)
So back to where i left off.
Over the years.. my confidence was more and more affected when i started to listen more about what ppl had to say about me. I realised that alot of people don't like me. And as time passed, it mattered more and more about what people say about me. the more i hear about it. The more it hurt..the lower my confidence level is.
Because of that, it has also led me to become someone who i don't wish to be. I change the way i am. I with the falling level of my confidence... i started to trust less... started to become someone more reserved towards the public. Only after securing a sufficient amount of trust then i'm able to show my true colours.
Still my true colours have yet to be understood fully.
My true colours is hard to explain in words. The only things that i can tell you about myself is that i crave for attention, not by the masses, but by a special someone.. though the attention by the masses is something that i dream of. It is merely something i want and not what i need.
I am able to set my own definition and give new meaning to things different from how other perceive.
When it comes to conflicts, i go straight into dealing with it. dealing with problems is what i love to do. it poses as a challenge that i can overcome and gain something from it. though at times i do lose... but overall i always gain and thats none other than the lessons that come with it. Only thru there that i am able to understand at a higher rate about my friends or my loved ones.
Having lesser friends is the result of my queer self. Though i am able to make friends... i'm very much afraid. Afraid that they might not accept me for who i am and once they found out about who i really am, i'd turn out to have more people that hate rather than like me. I'm always afraid of that. And my low self confidence has something to do with this.
With this i am able to form an equation...
The deviation of ME increases with the lowering levels of confidence.
Thus...
about my true colours, i have decided to not write about it and leave it as a big unknown to others. So if you wanna know about me more... you're welcomed to know me better. Just don't pass any judgements about me without prior knowledge about me.
From here you are able to conclude that i love drifting off from the main subject and getting back to it after a long time. Also, you are able to conclude that i have low self confidence, good memory of good things that happen to me. AND to know that i'd prefer to use the self realisation method to let ppl understand. By having raw facts and reading in between the lines, one can conclude very much! And i do think i'm weird too. but i'm happy to be weird cos i know that i'll be the only one to be like this. though i wish that i had a double or a triple of someone like me..but that wouldn't make me unique anymore wouldn't it.
Another thing about me is that i get bored easily and thus the reason why my entries are usually very short but on the other hand, once i'm interested in something, i'll put my heart and soul to it no matter what value it bears. Be it a simple entry like this one, it doesn't mean alot or anything at all even but i have interest in completing what i have to say about myself and am determined to complete it the best i can. It's a promise to myself too.
To me, Promises is everything! And they ARE NOT TO BE BROKEN. I hate breaking promises and i hate it when people break their promises. Likewise for truth... i hate it when i lie and when ppl lie to me.
During the period of 2000 - 2002... i have broken thousands of promises and lied many many times and it was noo fun living under a pile of lies cos once you lie... you'll have to start to find a way to lie about that lie that you just lied about to someone that you have lied to earlier. So the lies keep piling up! The only time the pile will be unpiled is when you're exposed!
My empty promises to Nora brought me heaps of trouble too. The disappointed look on her face everytime i break a promise... it is just too much for me to take over the long run. After breaking up with her...i come to realise the importance of truth and the promises i make.
With that... i have gone on with life and implanted an interdependent system comprising of
TRUTH, TRUST and COURAGE
With Truth, comes TRUST
With Trust, comes security
Where COURAGE can be cultivated.
With Courage, comes the will to tell the TRUTH
With COURAGE, TRUST AND TRUTH...Comes An Everlasting Love
An undefined divine Love...
Thats my motto beyond 2004. For now i shall end here. take care all...
